Can You Hear Me Now? Adventures in Audio(Books)

A Literal Literary Loser Says Stuff

I don’t listen to audiobooks. This isn’t a slam or judgement against those who do. I had all three of my kids listening to audiobooks when they were little after bedtime lights out for years, and they’re still fans to this day.

I prefer reading to listening because I like to control the speed at which I receive my information, and most audiobook narrators speak too slowly for my taste. (My daughter tells me the trick is to set the playback at 1.5 speed.)

However, I am not a toddler who believes that everyone likes what I like. (Or, at least, I’m working on not being one.) When folks started asking for audiobooks of my work, I was determined to figure out a way to give it to them. After all, the customer is always right!

My first historical fiction novel, “The Nesting Dolls,” received an audiobook edition as part of its publication by HarperCollins. My involvement consisted of being sent a sample narration by three actresses, and being asked to pick which one I preferred. The subsequent version was, according to a friend of my mother’s, “Very good. Except every time she tried to say a Russian word, I wanted to punch her in the face.”

For my second historical fiction, “My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region,” I partnered with professional voice artist, Yuliya Patsay, who is a native Russian speaker, to bring life to my characters. Here is a snippet of her very much enjoying my cleverly constructed (i.e. long-winded) sentence structures.

I know that some authors record their own work. I never considered that for my fiction. I am not an actor. (A related story: When I give birth to our oldest son, the doctor asked my husband if he would like to cut the cord. He replied, “We believe in letting professionals do their jobs.” So, yeah, that. Only with actors.) “My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region” should be out as an audiobook in about a month, if everything goes according to plan.

When it came to my non-fiction, however, I was more open to the possibility of recording it myself. My best-selling book is “Getting into NYC Kindergarten,” wherein I instruct parents on how to get their kids into Kindergarten in NYC. (I also believe in clearly spelling out my titles.)

It didn’t so much require an actor as someone who knew what they were talking about. I definitely knew what I am talking about. It’s information I deliver daily.

Now, about that letting professionals do their jobs thing. Recording an audiobook is a lot more than reading pre-written text in the vague direction of a microphone.

There are audio levels to be set, and background noises to excise, and smacking “S” sounds to get rid off, and files to convert, and a particular technical upload process.

I had no interest in any of that, either as an amateur or a professional.

But, there, I was in luck. You know how I love exploiting my children for fun and profit? My oldest son designed the “Getting into NYC Kindergarten” cover. My younger son programmed the calculator which drives the bulk of my new customers to the NYCSchoolSecrets.com website.

And now my daughter is off to college to major in live media production with an emphasis in audio!

She may not be a professional. Yet. But she’s the closest thing living in my house to one. So she was drafted. (Yes, I am paying her. We believe in a fair exchange of goods and services as a key part of our exploitation process.)

“Getting into NYC Kindergarten” was recorded over a period of multiple days — who knew that I could talk mindlessly for hours, but trying to read text exactly as it was written without stumbling over words and/or making a complete fool of yourself was a much more difficult endeavor?

Then the aforementioned technical specifications were tweaked for many more days. As in weeks. As in months. (Blah, blah, blah, she was busy with school, and coaching gymnastics, and studying for AP tests, and working as head of theater tech for the school play. Why should I suffer?) My daughter says she will forever be haunted by all the lip-smacks and gulps of mine she had to remove. I admit, I’m a lip smacker. And a gulper.

“Getting into NYC Kindergarten: The Audiobook,” went live just before the 4th of July holiday. The fireworks you may have seen were obviously in celebration of it.

As of now, it is only available via my website. We are in a bit of a death-spiral loop with Amazon’s ACX, where we submit the files, they don’t approve them or get back to us with what the problem is. We reach out to ask what the problem is. They tell us what the problem is. We make the changes they asked for. We submit the files, they don’t approve them or get back to us with what the problem is. We reach out to ask what the problem is. They tell us what the problem is. We make the changes they asked for. Rinse, repeat, pretty much since springtime.

I finally got fed up and released the audiobook independently, while we continue to go back and forth with the corporate behemoth. I will, as always, keep you posted on how it goes, as well as how many audiobooks I end up selling to determine whether or not it was worth the effort.

Because, trust me, it took a LOT of effort. The photo of my daughter and I that illustrates this piece was taken on the first day of our project. That’s why we look so perky. We were a lot more disheveled and cranky by the end.

Are you an audiobook reader? Have you recorded your own books on audio? How did it go? What do you think? Was it worth it? Let us know in the comments!