A Guided Tour Inside the Panicked Mind of a Writer
A Literal Literary Loser Literarily Loses It
When I launched this Substack in October of 2021, I’d lost my agent and my editor and was starting again from Square One.
In 2022, I got a new editor when I sold my 18th book, “My Mother’s Secret: A Novel of the Jewish Autonomous Region” to History Through Fiction.
As of February of 2023, I have a new agent.
According to my compulsively kept notes (I find it helpful, upon receiving a rejection, to immediately record it; that gives you something concrete to do rather than merely wallowing in despair), I first queried the agency in November of 2021 with 50 pages of a manuscript then called “Choosing Wisely.”
By the time they got back to me in March of 2022, the book, soon to be renamed (see above), had already been sold. I asked if they would be interested in handling the international rights.
In May of 2022, they asked if I had any other manuscripts they could look at. I sent them the first 50 pages of a manuscript called “Stepmother Russia.”
In September 2022, they asked to see more. I sent the first 100 pages and a detailed chapter by chapter outline of the rest.
In October, they asked for a Zoom meeting. They offered representation in November.
This is great news! Yay! Happy dance!
Except now I need to actually write the rest of the book.
I thought I’d be done by January 2023. (I’m a notoriously fast writer. A book I once had to turn around in six weeks became my first NYT best-seller.)
But life got in the way. November was also the launch month for my current book. Which meant a major event with United Jewish Appeal:
As well as writing dozens of promotional articles and blog posts, appearing on podcasts and Zooms, and talking to book clubs all across the world.
By January 2023, I’d only managed to complete the first draft. Right before I headed to San Francisco for a mini-book tour:
Which meant I only finished my polish of “Stepmother Russia” and sent it in to my new agent last week.
Great news! Yay! Happy dance!
Except… now the worrying really starts.
My new agent signed me based on the first 100 pages and a detailed, chapter by chapter outline. She hadn’t read the entire manuscript. Because, you know, it didn’t yet exist.
I spent two decades working in TV, including for ABC Sports, ESPN and TNT in their figure skating department, and for the soaps operas “As the World Turns,” “Guiding Light,” “All My Children,” and “One Life to Live.” I worked for many, many producers who liked to play a game called: Guess What I am Thinking.
The game went like this: A producer would ask you to write something, offering minimal guidance. I would write something. The producer would read it. They would say, “Nah, that’s not it. Write it again.” With no guidance whatsoever.
My job was to figure out what they wanted, and to give it to them. Even when they didn’t know what they wanted. They’d know it when they saw it, though. So write it again!
With “Stepmother Russia,” I had a vision of what the book would be. Did my new agent have the same vision?
What if, based on those early pages and sample chapters, she had a completely different vision?
What if the manuscript I just sent her bears no relationship to the manuscript she thought she’d signed on to represent?
What if she has no vision for the manuscript she thought she’d signed on to represent? But whatever I just sent her… isn’t it?
What if she hates it? What if she wonders what she was thinking ever signing me?
These are just some of the fun Literary Loser thoughts which Literally go through my mind Literarily after I turn in a new manuscript.
What are yours? Share them below in the Comments!